I know you

I know you. 

You are sadness. 

You are the sadness that I forget is still there. 

You are grief. 

You are the grief that turns my hands to ice, constricts my chest, shortens my breath, clouds my mind and stares unblinking through my eyes. 

You are the grief that while I speak and smile and continue my conversation, threatens to claim me.

You are the sadness that is lodged awkwardly in my solar plexus that wakes me up at night, yet has the power to paralyse me by day. 

You are the grief that lingers and trails behind what should be straightforward conversations.

You are the grief that I acknowledge, but by whom I will not be defined. 

I have stood strong inspite of you and have learnt strength because of you. 

Through your pain, I have learnt compassion. 

Yes, I have learnt strength, courage and wisdom. 

When your tears come and they are not wanted, I have learnt how to calmly conquer you and put you in your place. 

Grief, you are a part of who I have become. We must learn to walk together respectfully. 

But I will be your master grief, you cannot have me. 

You do not own me. 

It is me that owns you.

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Eyes of judgement

I sense your eyes of judgement
bearing down on me.
I know you can’t understand it,
so naturally it’s hard for you to find empathy.

You haven’t been where I am
which makes me difficult to understand.
But rather than disappointed incomprehension,
I wish you’d reach out your hand.

But instead, you have unrealistic expectations.
One’s that I can never hope to meet.
As the chasm widens between us,
I battle a growing sense of defeat.

Two women world’s apart
at opposite ends of the spectrum.
Your ascent has brought you joy
whilst I’ve been sucked under by depression.

Unaware that it is the ‘black dog’
who has become the guardian of my cage’s key.
I pretend, trying to act ‘normal’
and not at my selfish gaoler’s mercy.

Alienated from those I love,
trapped in a cycle of misery,
shackled by my own self-loathing,
it’s from within these walls that I see.

I see you, seemingly proud and confident,
embracing the newest chapter of your life.
The Spring to my endless Winter,
flourishing, fertile, successful in your role as wife.

You are a celebration of womanhood,
a producer of grandparent’s heirs.
You’ve created and you’ve given light.
God has answered your secret prayers.

You are the success and I, the failure,
the mutant female, ashamed of whom I’ve become.
My body a barren betrayer,
unlike yours that has produced a golden son.

Yes, I sense your eyes of judgement
questioning my behaviour and response.
But I can’t do much about it.
My self-esteem, my inner strength are all but gone.

This atmosphere of expectation
is a heavy burden, I can’t fulfil.
I dread the knowledge that I will disappoint you
despite asserting great courage and strength of will.

I suppress my urge to shriek,
to grimace with grief and cry.
My fight or flight would like to run for it
without even pausing to explain why.

As best I can, I cover up this battle.
I remain suffocating slowly in this room.
I hide my physical and emotional shakes
and try not to sit here like a harbinger of doom.

I am sorry. I’m aware I may hurt you.
We co-exist in a growing cloud of tension.
I can see in your eyes of judgement
your invisible, yet tangible incomprehension.

 

How do you have your sex?

Excuse me, can I ask you,
how you have your sex?
I don't think that we're doing it right
and it's making me feel quite vexed.

I'd like to conduct a survey
to uncover your toppest tips
and find out if we're using them right
(you know, all our jiggly bits!)

I didn't pay much attention
to biology back in school
which really is quite unfortunate
as now I can't have a clue at all.

For if I were a genuine 'sexpert',
I'm sure it wouldn't be such a struggle
to pop another human out
without getting in such a muddle.

Everyone else seems to manage it.
It's not a silly saga for the rest.
So, what have we been doing wrong?
We've been trying our very best.

Maybe it's all about the angles
or perhaps the temperature.
Should we perform a special ritual
before each jiggy-jiggy adventure?

We use the correct biological bits.
I've double checked, so I am sure
and from the umpteen books I've read,
we've run out of options to explore!

So reader, that's why I need your help,
to explain this confounded mystery.
Answers on a postcard please.
It would mean an awful a lot to me.

Free fall

A wild crescendo of grief 
ignites from deep within.
Alarmed, I see no obvious shelter
from this havoc and chaotic din.

No longer the sure footed woman 
who painstakingly conquered this place, 
I wobble, panic and then topple 
over this sudden, unseen precipice.

Now mid G force 8 of free fall,
parachute unopened in it's pack,
I'm hurtling towards the earth. 
Crikey, I'm going to hit it with a 'SMACK.' 

I search desperately for escape routes, 
not easy when panic and grief blur thought.
I gasp for air, squeezed from my lungs, 
perhaps in a huge cargo net I'll be caught!
 
I'm not sure how I came up with that, 
like a kid's cartoon on TV.
Maybe I'll not manage to reach the end, 
or perhaps there is a way to save me.

As I fall the cacophony grows louder,
wind whistling in my ears.
My shuddering sobs now accompanied 
by an overflowing river of tears. 

I feel so utterly despondent.
My thoughts are not controlled nor are they straight.
Except I know I don't want be pulverised,
that would not at all be great!

I cannot think my way out of this pickle. 
I must simply surrender to the test.
All I have I give to it
and I can only give my best.

Now my sobs diminish
and remarkably my descent begins to slow.
I fumble with my parachute,
pulling the release cord to let it go.

A jolt and then not quite so much terror 
above the hazy ground.
I open up my swollen eyes
to contemplate landing safe and sound.

If only crash mats and landing specialists 
appeared at each attack of personal despair,
it wouldn't be so hard to navigate
a free fall through the air.
 
This grief that's lodged inside me
is the cause of all this anguish
and to be quite frank, I'm fed up with it.
I'm sick of feeling rubbish.
 
I don't know how to get rid of it,
to free myself from pain.
It's a bloody noose around my neck,
a bloody ball and chain!
 
Sigh! At least I landed with dignity intact.
My best roly poly with a flourish in years.
And I suppose no real lasting damage done, 
except mild dehydration due to all those tears.

 

The woman at house 43

The woman who lives at house forty three
has got six children. (That's six more than me.)
How does she cope with her workload?
It's a logistical challenge just crossing the road!

I think she's had a life that's quite tough.
Her eyes are vacant and her voice is quite gruff.
She has wiry hair and is as thin as a rake
and when she talks her hands tremble and shake.

I can hear them coming from some distance away.
She shouts and she shrieks at her kids every day.
When she walks with the buggy, she strides at a pace.
The children behind her jog along in a race.

The men who frequent her house look like trouble.
She comes to the door still away in her bubble.
Her face looks so drawn as she laughs through her daze.
The man in the car drives off as she waves.

A little while later a toddler escapes.
She's forgotten to close one of the gates.
He picks at the weeds that grow in the drive
dressed only in nappies. A miracle of life.

He stumbles bare foot close to the road.
Hairs rise on my skin and there's a lump in my throat.
In two seconds flat he's held in my arms,
this blond headed boy that's now safe from harm.

He looks at me startled, but doesn't utter a sound.
Grubby faced innocence. His cheeks smooth and round.
His body relaxes as I whisper reassurance
a smile appears with a shy sideways glance.

My thoughts can't be stifled as I think of his mum,
I'd like to do her a favour by keeping this one.
I'd love him and raise him as if he were mine.
I'd nurture and praise him and give him my time.

Perhaps she'll not notice if I take him with me
to become part of my own longed for family.
I'm sure she can make do with one less off-spring.
In fact, she may thank me for taking him in.

The toddler is holding me tight as I stand
in front of his door. (This is not what I'd planned.)
His mother appears and he's whisked away
to join his siblings and be told 'Shut up and play!'

Occasionally I see him or hear him cry
the toddler in nappies with piercing blue eyes.
I nod at his mother when she passes me,
this world-weary woman at house forty three.

But several weeks later, we see that they've left.
(We'd seen police people in thick stab-proof vests!)
I still think of that child and the life that he'll lead.
That where ever he is, he will thrive and succeed.

My feet have lost weight!

The odd thing about a trauma,
I have recently come to learn,
is it's strange effects on one's body;
palpitations and funny turns.

Simple ordinary questions
such as troublesome 'How are you?'
are hard to honestly answer
without sounding like a loon.

My default, short, polite response
doesn't really cut the mustard.
No mention of the sudden shakes
that leave me confused and flustered.

I never non-nonchalantly describe,
whilst I guffaw and crack a joke,
how my legs, they feel like jelly
and I think my mind's been broke.

There's often pounding in my chest
and I feel a little queasy.
Having a normal, friendly chat
is no longer easy-peasy.

I spend my relaxation time
laying staring at the ceiling,
trying desperately to rid myself
of this crazy feeling.

These horrid, frightening attacks
were caused by a tremendous shock.
But the pills I have to pop each day 
do help an awful lot.

I'm starting to feel much better
as the days and weeks go by.
I can even wash the dishes
without a pause to have a cry.

I can have a conversation 
that's coherent and makes sense.
I no longer stare off into space
when I go out with my friends.

There are even several positives
to being in this state,
despite my healthy apetite,
I've lost a lot of weight.

Clothes that I'd 'grown out of'
now re-fit me like glove.
My oldest ripped and faded jeans
are worn with proud, rekindled love.

My feet are most surprising though
as my shoes are now like boats.
It turns out that my feet have shrunk,
my clown-like shoes are jokes!

My cheekbones are like razor blades.
Paris fashion week best watch out.
Ol' skinny feet might turn up next year
modelling a perfect pout.

Experiencing this major blip
has given me brand new skills.
Meditation really helps,
it's not just those little pills.

I know about a lot more things
like herbs and nutrients,
calming homemade vitamin shakes,
fruit smoothies and supplements!

In fact, I might retire to Spain
to start a health retreat.
I'll retrain as a yogi chief
with uber skinny feet.

I'll put this trauma to good use,
my rebirth now awaits.
So when someone asks me how I am,
I can truly say,'I'm great!'


My peloton of sisterhood

Dear God, I want to thank you for the woman I’ve become.
Although I’m far from perfect, I’m proud of how far I’ve come.
But I can’t take all the credit, I wasn’t on my own.
I’ve been guided, loved and reassured. I didn’t act alone.

The women I have around me, those I’m blessed to call my friends,
have been there close beside me and I hope, will be ’til the end.
Even at a distance, when not physically by my side,
I’m aware of their loving wisdom that’s my fuel when I am tired.

And boy, have I grown weary of the trials I’ve had to face,
I’ve wanted to admit defeat, give up this stupid race.
But stationed all around me in strategically placed positions
is my peloton of sisterhood, my network of ‘soul’ physicians.

Their strength, their courage, their wisdom is what’s kept me in the saddle.
My resilience I owe to them, especially when my mind’s been addled.
Providing a calm perspective as I’m head down through the mist,
they whisper quietly in my ear, ‘You can do it girl. You got this!’

My friends don’t have it easy. But then who really does?
It doesn’t stop them offering their patient, unyielding love.
They’ve helped me time and time again. Their words refresh my soul
when I’ve needed gentle honesty to inspire, stand tall, be whole.

Such empathy and warmth abounds. Their friendship keeps me going.
A living energy that circulates and through my veins continues flowing.
They listen without judgement and don’t belittle what I say.
Their words cut through my darkest fears and help to light my way.

They help decipher life’s cryptic codes and analyse mysteries.
Together we take ‘rough with the smooth’ and share our varied stories.
Friendship is a powerful tool and like food that nourishes the body,
the confidence gained from my female friends strengthens me on my journey.

Despite the layers and my bravest face, they know me inside out.
I don’t pretend or put on a show. That’s what friendship’s all about.
Often humour and a pinch of grace helps us put the world to rights.
Cynically laughing in the face of pain, we put up a damn good fight!

Comedians, psychologists, doctors and kindred spirits,
each one has helped to set me free when I’ve been pushed to my outer limits.
Yes God, my friends encourage me. We’ve laughed, rejoiced and cried.
Bless them God, as they’ve blessed me. Walk with them by their side.

We all have one pure common aim, to be the best that we can be.
Please God, cherish and protect these women that’ve so lovingly supported me.
Let our conversations regenerate us. Let us be vibrant, wise and kind.
And my friends, please know that when you’re out of sight, you are never out of mind.