Still no sign of a baby, Still all barren and bare. No bun in the oven. No anything, anywhere. Still empty and waiting. Still counting the days. Endless frustrating Baby shower parties. Still pretending not to notice A billion mothers walk past. Suppressing the ache With a terrible, fake laugh. Vitamins and potions, Tablets galore, Bonking my husband Like a desperate whore. Another month gone And still full of grief For the life that I wanted But couldn't conceive. Losing my faith And along with it hope That it'll ever happen. It's a really sick joke. A test of a marriage For better or worse. We never expected The infertility curse. The worry of age. My biological clock. Terrible thoughts of using Another man's cock. Losing my grip On these whirling emotions. Crying in Waitrose. Causing commotions. My femininity in question. A redundant, duff womb. An incomplete woman An imposter, a loon! Ignoring friend's babies For fear that I'll crack. If I held one a moment I may not give it back. Flippant remarks, And unhelpful words. Just no idea Of this ongoing hurt. "Don't think about it." Said so ignorantly. Years of my life thrown right back at me. A change of direction. That's what's required To boost my morale, Be re-engaged, re-inspired. An action packed life. I'm managing things well. Counting my blessings When my friends speak of hell. Of persistent insomnia Of nights without sleep. While for me, it's a bonus A blessed relief. I can lie in til 10 Or siesta at two With no threat of tantrums Drool, sick or poo! I look on the bright side, Am thankful for a lot. I learn not to forget To ‘enjoy what you've got’. Then all of a sudden, My chest starts to ache. Another announcement That’s all it takes. Again all alone. Trapped in this cycle Of endurance and fatigue It's physical and mental. I want to hear mummy, And a new baby's cry To have my child with me Not a week then goodbye. I want to know motherhood Present a child to my mum. A way to say thank you For the friend she's become. Phone calls at midnight A calm, listening ear Plenty of hugs To soothe the raw fear. More prodding and poking, Appointments and queues. Undignified positions. More time in loos. More peeing on sticks, More far Eastern cures, More consultants and nurses What more to endure? The worry, the stress, The fear and confusion. Starting a family? It's just pure delusion.