Defeated

Here I stand

I admit defeat.

I’m lifeless, still

I’m incomplete.

 

My hands up

I surrender.

I can give no more

My heart’s too tender.

 

Head hung low

I close my eyes.

I think of all

That’s been sacrificed.

 

A silent cry

no tears to shed.

I’ve wept them all

inside I’m dead.

 

My heavy limbs

throb and ache.

I shuffle forward

and start to shake.

 

I give up,

I’m worn out.

So many scars

of fear and doubt

 

I can’t think,

no thought emerges

There’s nothingness,

no drive, no urges.

 

Then it happens,

exhaustion gives way

to the breaking dawn

of a brand new day.

 

Morning light,

sun on my skin.

I raise my head

to breathe it in.

 

A slow exhale

and the tension eases.

A cloudless sky

of summer breezes.

 

New promises

must take shape.

There’ll be fresh hope.

Release, escape.

 

I’ll re-emerge

from the gloom

a budding flower

about to bloom.

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There’s nothing in there

Numb, undone, relief

Stunned disbelief 

Pounding chest, this isn’t real.

My mind’s a mess, so surreal.

Questioning resignation

Trembling devastation.

Pushing on, it’s an ordeal.

Must stay strong. Why so surreal?

Disillusion, feeling cheated.

Confusion, emotionally depleted.

Burning despair, this turmoil concealed

unjust and unfair, still so surreal.

Despondency, physical tension

virtual insanity and painful apprehension

Blotting out pain with nerves of steel

It’s happened again. It’s so surreal.

Isolation that stifles stillness

Desolation that fills emptiness

Battling growing nausea of life without appeal

Wrestling insomnia that’s suffocatingly surreal.

Hopelessness with nowhere to hide

Joylessness, dead inside.

Withering dreams flex and reel

A life slowly torn apart. It’s so surreal.

Oppression of suicidal darkness

Depression sees just a rotten carcass 

Clinging to hope. It’ll take time to heal

Finding strength to cope, hideously surreal.

Weariness, resonating shock

Tearfulness, escape route blocked

Gasping for air from this raw deal

A soul stripped bare. Just so surreal.

Desperation of limitless grief

Frustration of destroyed self belief

A silent voice unheard, shoulder still to the wheel

Searching for words, feels so surreal.

It takes two, me and you babe

Paper's no good without a pen,
nor a lock with out a key.
The moon wouldn't shine without the sun.
There'd be no flowers without bees.

The right shoe needs the left one.
And two bats, they need a ball.
One without the other 
isn't much good at all.

This process has been tough for us.
I'm grateful you're by my side.
Emotions aren't your forte love,
but I thank you that you've tried

To dig deep and encourage me,
to comfort me when I've cried.
You support me in many different ways
trying to keep our dream alive.

Without you I'd be like the lock, 
the paper or the pen.
I need your love to keep me strong.
Your words to keep me zen.

So thank you love for all you do
to steady us on our journey.
Without you and the support you give
I'd feel so scared and lonely.

Everyone else but me

Tall ones, short ones,

waddling about.

Big bellied, rotund young ones,

about to pop one out.

 

Ones in strappy vest tops,

gobbling fish and chips.

Ones who shop in Waitrose,

selecting humus dips.

 

Ones who look as pleased as punch,

patting their bulging tummies.

Ones who don’t seem to give a shit

at the cash machine withdrawing money.

 

Ones who always whitter on

about their pregnancy.

Others who barely say a word,

just comment occasionally.

 

Ones who seem to ambush me

as I’m walking down the street.

Around every God damn corner

there’s another one to greet.

 

Ones who blossom and ones that don’t.

Those that vomit, ache and sweat.

Ones whose skin is radiant

and look immaculate.

 

Ones who don’t even seem to care.

They treat it as a joke.

Oblivious to the gift of parenthood,

they drink and swear and smoke.

 

Ones who develop OCD.

They tidy everything.

Ones who end up so chilled out,

‘Who cares if nothing’s clean?’

 

Ones who have the names picked out.

Others who haven’t a clue.

Those that are so organised

there’s little left to do.

 

Ones who find me on the beach,

in teeny, bright bikinis.

They like to sit right next to me

with their beautiful, big, bold bellies.

 

Ones who are quite tactful

and others who really aren’t.

Ones who’ve been waiting just like me

or who’d previously thought they can’t.

 

Ones who didn’t even plan their child

and didn’t have to ‘try’.

Ones who’ve been bonking year on year

and had a sad monthly cry.

 

Ones who needed treatment

to help them to conceive.

Ones who had almost given up hope

and lost all self-belief.

 

Ones whose embryos started in a dish.

and paid £20,000 smackeroonies.

Those who’ve injected drugs and took pills

that made them feel like loonies.

 

Ones who have a story to tell,

they’ve been blessed with a miracle.

Those who’ve waited patiently

and have become a little cynical!

 

And me? Well, I’m still standing firm

whilst life goes on around me.

The day will come when I’ll move on too,

a new era in which I’ll break free.

 

So I await my turn to escape this test

that has lasted an eternity.

I’ll be the one who persevered,

who defeated infertility!

Coffee vs. Herbal tea

She advised me to cut out caffeine.

Avoiding coffee would be best.

I’d paid a fair whack to see her,

So I nodded, agreeing ‘Yes.’

 

“Coffee can affect your hormones.”

She went on to say.

I pictured my favourite mug and in it,

my first soothing fix of the day.

 

Sadly as I listened,

I silently said goodbye

to the occasional treat at Starbucks

that would give me a caffeine high.

 

I’m not a caffeine addict.

I don’t drink it all that much.

But it’s helpful when you’re tired

especially after lunch.

 

“Your body must be balanced.

You must try to keep it calm.

That means avoiding toxins

that can actually cause some harm.”

 

What she said made sense to me.

I’m serious about this task.

No more café lattes

or sweet tea in a picnic flask.

 

“Make the switch to herbal.

There are so many lovely teas

that’ll supplement your treatment and

assist your fertility.”

 

“They’ll help you stay hydrated.

Delicious and natural,

you’ll enjoy them and they’re healthy.

Let’s take hot drinks to another level!”

 

I was there for many reasons.

I needed her sound advice.

And this nutritionist was thorough,

professional and nice.

 

So off I popped to Waitrose

to browse the herbal teas.

I loved the pretty packages

designed to tempt and please.

 

I took out a second mortgage

and loaded my basket up,

daydreaming of the herbalness,

no more caffeine in my cup!

 

I’m now a total convert.

I have cupboards full of tea.

If I ever went on Mastermind

it would be my speciality.

 

Ask me any question.

I can tell you which teas are best.

Which ones will help to perk you up

and which ones are good for rest.

 

If you want to sleep,

there’s Valerian, Lavender and Mint.

The latter is antibacterial

if your bottom starts to stink!

 

Lemon balm and St Johns Wort

can help you combat stress.

Ease your worries by drinking tea.

Gulp it down if you are depressed!

 

Heal yourself with Licorice Root.

Boost your mood and clean your liver.

Fennel is also really good

for heartburn after dinner.

 

Feeling sick? Have Lemon tea

and grate in some fresh Ginger.

For an extra twist add honey and rum

Drink it hot if you like, in winter.

 

In the mood for making love?

Rooibos and Ginseng’s great!

So too is a cheeky Cinnamon tea.

Try them now. Why wait?

 

Hibiscus is used for losing weight

Full of minerals and vitamin C,

I have it with some cinnamon

and spiced apple. It’s quite lovely.

 

There are some that say

Red Raspberry tea can even induce labour.

Perhaps consult your doctor first

if you really like that flavour!

 

There are more I haven’t mentioned yet

like nettle and cardamom.

So it’s tough to choose a favourite tea,

but in the mornings I do have just one.

 

Fresh Lemon and grated Ginger tea

with sweet Aniseed and Fennel,

brewed in my lovely china pot,

is so zingy, but still quite gentle.

 

I confess, I have a cheeky mug

of coffee from time to time.

But on the whole I’m a herbal girl.

I think they taste sublime.

 

So what’s your tipple? Your favourite tea?

Let me know the one.

I’ll make the perfect blend for you,

like a cocktail. It’ll be such fun!

 

As you see I’m a complete tea freak.

Come round and share a brew.

I’ll pop the kettle on right now.

I bet I can convert you too!

The costly gamble

I’d really like success this time, and not do this again.
It’s not as bad as the first two rounds, but still it is a pain!

The pain I feel is littoral! The drugs can make me sick,
but I’ve mastered the injections now. I can jab them in quite quick.

The headaches vary day by day, they’re actually not too bad.
But my body feels quite alien and my hormones drive me mad!

My ovaries are super sore, they jangle when I walk.
Now the size of oranges, I can feel them when I talk!

The prodding and the poking is fine. I just laugh and crack a joke.
So many scans and tests have been done by so many medic folk.

In fact, my womb is famous now. It should be given its own show.
I’ll set it up a Facebook page for you all to get to know!

Narcolepsy is an awful thing, I’ve not quite developed that!
But it’s true that I now fall asleep at the proverbial drop of a hat!

This tiredness and the frequent sweats I can just about endure,
it’s my marriage that concerns me most, the pressure’s been quite hard-core!

We deal with it in different ways, but we try not to let it scare us.
There’s the finance and the emotions too. The tight rope is so precarious.

So can we really cope with this? Will the embryos implant?
There’s a tide of fear that begins to rise. No, I’m not strong enough, I can’t.

“Come on girl, where is your inner strength, your fighting spirit, your zen?”
I give myself a good peptalk to perk me up again.

Will it work or will it fail? We’re not encouraged by the statistics!
Place your bets at Ladbrokes now, it’s 1000 to 1 for triplets!

The odd thing is that some exclaim, “IVF, oh how exciting!”
It’s not how I’d describe this trial, for me it’s a little frightening!

I never know quite what to say to people who are this glib,
making light of a difficult personal quest that costs 7000 quid!

“Screw you and your unhelpful words!” I retort in my head,
“exciting is a JetSki ride or cruising around the med!”

My body hurts, my brain is mashed and my husband’s a nervous wreck,
but it’s a process that we must go through and we must keep these fears in check.

If the outcome turns out positive and the dice rolls in our favour,
I’ll tell our kids how much they cost at the merest hint of poor behaviour!

On a serious note, the joy they’ll bring will be like nothing we’ve ever known;
A brand-new chapter in our lives with treasured children of our own.